Articles

We have been a little disturbed.

We honestly do not feel like talking to humans (other than our Folks – they can do no wrong, let’s be clear about that.)

Everywhere we look and hear, humans are discussing some Article some-number that is or is not to be scrapped. We thought it was our jaws that could “clamp down” on things but it seems humans can arrange a “clampdown” too. We know our brand of clamp down is in times of danger, so we are a little perturbed at what the danger is in need of a human clampdown.

Well, we truly do not have the time or inclination to decipher human motives. Waste of time. You may have thought this was going to be another grammar lesson, this time on articles, after The yin and the yang of 😊😊😊😊😊similes, but sorry to disappoint you. This is a Very Serious Matter – a charter of canines, by canines, and for canines – all about articles that govern our lives and relationships.

# Article F (Article of Faith)

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Canines are born for faith and loyalty. And unconditional love. We abide by that to our dying day. We do not care what you look like, what you possess or don’t possess, what you are: once we have accepted you as ours, we walk to the ends of the earth with you. And if you do not understand that and respect and love us for it, the loss is yours. There are no words foul enough to describe a race that preens while owning prime real estate in South Mumbai but beats a dog seeking shelter from the rain to death there. If we were male, we’d raise our legs against your claim to be the more evolved species.

#Article PA (Article of Peace and Amity)

Canines shall protect their territory. And also respect others’ territory. Boundaries strengthen bonds. Respect for them even more. When we go crazy and overstep lines, there’s a conflict. Canines are condemned as rabid. Intrusions, stirring up irrational mobs, conning nations through half-truths are all acts of invasion of territory, physical and mental. They are acts of the rabid. Rabid canines are put down, so …..? However, while we understand justice and the fairness of things, we are not uncanine (‘inhuman’ to mean what you want it to mean is an insult to us). We fully understand what one of your respected bards says:

And earthly power doth then show likest God’s

When mercy seasons justice.

So we forgive – again and again. Not that you deserve it, but we have a code of honour (a word that very few of you understand, so we shall not go down that path) – and we are closer to God in more ways than you know.

One word that we have heard a lot of of late – a hateful word so not our WOD (Word of

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the Day) – is polarisation. This suggested itself to us one morning when we were sharing Mom’s tea and peering (over her shoulder, which we often do) at her phone. Humans seem to have perfected the art of ‘polarisation’: creating a fissure, and using the fear to control and rule. Have you even bothered to note the number of news reports as we have done looking over our Folks’ shoulders (how else!) about ‘tension’? We haven’t heard many stories passed down from our forefathers as they evolved from the grey wolf over 12,000 or 130,000 years ago (depends on which scientific theory you read) about ‘tension’ in a land of differences. The word ‘tension’ was picked up only by our last three or four generations to pass on. But we don’t suppose human sense makes these connections between ‘polarisation’, ‘tension’, and the fractures around us the way canine sense governed by this charter does. What was it we said about lifting our legs against claims of being an evolved race?

# Article HS (Article of Hearts and Strings)

Canines shall consider it their birthright to tug at heartstrings. Heartstrings of those humans who have hearts in the first place. Genetically, our bodies and faces are made to dissolve into postures and expressions that tug wildly at heartstrings. No jelly can fit into curves of bodies lying down as well as we can, and the word ‘drooping’ lives on our faces when you put lipstick, or wear outdoor shoes, or lift your bag and car keys to go out without us.

There is so much more to this that the charter calls for an annexure, which we shall have to deal with separately.

# Article SC (Article of Sensitivity and Comprehension)

Canines shall consider it their duty to sense the joys and sorrows of their Folks. Without words. Prevailing atmosphere of the household shall be collected by canine antennae without ado and the requisite balm applied or action taken. So, when we suddenly quieten and place our head on your lap or go tearing around the dining table like a dipping bubble you should realise what is at play. When we growl at someone, do not yell at us because that is our way of warning you that person is not good for you (we will never like a person who does not have our Folks’ interests at heart) or that a stranger has done the thoughtless discourtesy of grimacing at us with what he or she thinks is a “sho shweet” face in an elevator.

Canines shall also not let on the full extent of their comprehension of human language though tone will be more important than words. Humans, especially the condescending thick-headed ones, should never realise just how acute doggy comprehension is, lest it should shame the ‘more evolved species’ (the leg is mid-air). So it is only once in a while that our eyes, ears and faces will register words of the human lexicon: ball, toy, walk, food … but for details there is the Doggy Dictionary of Human Words for later.

#Article DM (Article of Discernment and Manners)

Canines shall always discern between the better humans and the lost causes even though

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the race as a whole leaves much to be desired. They shall learn to make the best of a bad hand, scrape the bottom of the barrel, choose between the devil and the deep blue sea, etc. etc. And they shall do it with as much grace and manners as to make it appear effortless and preserve the fragile egos of the human race. Canines are albeit permitted the private smirk. However, at no point shall canines compromise on character and courtesy and, spoken or unspoken, overtly or discreetly, shall always maintain their superiority as a species.

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